As much as we wish otherwise, none of us will experience life only as a bed of roses. Hardship and adversity are unavoidable. And though we will be able to see some events coming, others will take us by surprise. For us, the question is not whether these things will happen, but what we do after that.
For Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, the sudden death of her husband turned her life upside down overnight. The grief was so acute and overwhelming that she was certain she and her children would never feel pure joy again. This book Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy recounts Sandberg’s experience with loss and grief, as well as the helpful lessons she picked up on the way.
The most important thing to remember is that overcoming adversity requires resilience. Fortunately, resilience is something that can be built up and strengthened. But how do we do that? Option B tells us that we “plant the seeds of resilience in the way we process negative events.”
An important aspect of this undertaking is made clearer by Psychologist Martin Seligman, who conducted extensive research on adversity and resilience. According to his work, we can look to three Ps that often stunt recovery. These three Ps are Personalization, Pervasiveness, and Permanence.
The 3Ps of Grief and Adversity to Avoid
Personalization is “the belief that we are at fault” for the loss. Often, this comes in the form of thoughts like “he would still be here if I had ____” or “I should have ____”. The well-known phenomenon of survivor’s guilt is a form of this thought process. However, a person who experiences this personalization of loss often overstates their role in the tragedy, which is not only undeserved but also counterproductive.
Pervasiveness refers to “the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life”. To be sure, the immediate period after a loss can often make it seem like every aspect of our lives and identity will become defined by this tragedy. However, Sandberg learned that though she was now a widow, she was still a mother, a good worker, and so on. Remembering that loss does not completely define us can help us to keep moving forward.
Permanence is “the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever”. This is of course a natural feeling when we experience profound loss. In fact, overcoming grief is not so much about bouncing back and returning to the state we were at before the event, but moving forward and emerging as a stronger person. Though the grief or sadness may never completely go away, one can come out of a tragedy experiencing growth and greater meaning. Doing things like writing down one thing to be grateful for each day, celebrating small victories, and allowing ourselves to feel joy, helps us to overcome this belief.
In simple terms, the 3Ps can be summarized as such: “It’s my fault this is awful. My whole life is awful. And it’s always going to be awful.” Being aware of these pitfalls and taking care to avoid them when thinking about our setbacks allow us to better overcome them.
Ultimately, though Option B focuses on the grief and adversity from the loss of a loved one, the principles advocated here can be applied to all forms of hardship, adversity, and setbacks. As such, this book can be helpful to anyone looking to deal with loss or to prepare for the everyday struggles of life.
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