What Does Resilient Grieving Look Like?

Reflections from Resilient Grieving: Finding Strength and Embracing Life After a Loss That Changes Everything - book written by Lucy C. Hone

After the death of her twelve-year-old daughter Abi, Dr. Lucy Hone recounts “fighting for survival”, whether it was for herself mentally, in her marriage, or her family. Dr. Hone recalls being frustrated with the overwhelmingly negative and passive tone of the bereavement resources she found. In essence, though they helped her know what she would feel during the grieving process, she also wanted to know what she could do to adjust to her loss.

As an academic researcher in resilience psychology, Dr. Hone had considerable knowledge of resilience and post-traumatic recovery. She knew from research that some people bounce back from adversity faster than others, that certain factors can promote positive responses to trauma, and that there are strategies that are helpful for combating stresses. Through this book, she explores whether similar strategies can be taken to tackle grief.

Take On An Active Role

Those of us who have come across resources on grief will probably have read or heard things like grief is individual, we all grieve differently, or there is no ‘right’ or wrong’ way to grieve. Though this is certainly true, it has led most experts to focus on helping us understand the experience of grief rather than teaching us strategies to assist our recovery process.

Dr. Hone warns that this may lead us to be overly passive or defeatist in our grief. To be sure, there are many things that are beyond our control. Going through loss always reminds us of this fact. However, we do have control over how we grief—our thoughts, actions, and responses. As such, we can take on a proactive attitude towards our grief.

Resilience is Not the Absence of Pain

Throughout the book, Dr. Hone emphasizes that adopting a self-help approach to grief or throwing ourselves into the recovery process does not mean that we go into denial, nor does it mean hiding from grief, misery, or pain. We are not skipping the grieving stage or forgetting about the loved one who passed away. Instead, taking on an active role in grief teaches us to focus on the living, what we have left, and how we can remember the person we lost.

The book summarizes this clearly, “At the very core, we understand that resilience is not armor that protects us from pain. Rather resilience enables us to feel pain (and anger, anxiety, guilt) and to move through these emotions so that we can continue to feel joy, awe, and love.”

Recovery, Reappraisal, and Renewal

Dr. Hone also explains that grieving requires more than recovery from trauma and loss. Rather, it is also a reappraisal of our lives in the wake of loss as well as the renewal of our meaning and purpose for living.

First, Recovery refers to the coping strategies and helpful tips that are helpful in the immediate aftermath of a tragedy. The book contains chapters that help us to anticipate the experience of secondary losses, teach us tips for resilient thinking, and show us available resources like relationships (friends & family), exercise, rest, etc.

Secondly, Reappraisal helps us to get our bearings on our new world post-loss. Important things to consider would be a reassessment of our lives in the wake of our loss and finding ways to continue one’s bond with the deceased.

Lastly, Renewal comes from recognizing our post-traumatic growth and looking towards the future.

It Is Still Up to You

Ultimately, not everyone will want to adopt these kinds of self-help approaches to bereavement. For some of us, these strategies—perhaps applied too early or rigidly—may create more pressure and stress in the midst of our grief. As such, Dr. Hone emphasizes that each individual’s journey is still highly personal. Each person should be aware of their own situations and needs and adapt accordingly.

At the end of the day, this book will be helpful to those who wish to explore ways that they can actively participate in the process of healthy bereavement. Rather than an experience-focused stance, it teaches us that there are many things we can do that assist our grieving.